Dear guy playing as Mario at Nintendo’s Super Mario 3D World demo kiosk in New York Comic Con 2013,
Let me regale you with a tale of a phenomenon I’d like to call “The Contra Effect.” Having originated in 1987, this effect occurs in a co-operative game in which one player moves farther ahead of his or her partner. As a result, the screen moves forward, causing the player who’s lagging a little behind to easily get caught up in a bottomless pit and subsequently lose a valuable life.
With this newest entry in the Super Mario Bros. series, you have unveiled yourself as a fetid propagator of that phenomenon. And you need to stop pretending like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Super Mario 3D World shows a lot of promise. It’s a joy to control on both GamePad and Wii remote, and being able to play with four people in a 3D Mario game is something many fans have been waiting for. So why not relish in the fact that we’re all playing a 3D Mario title together as opposed to another New Super Mario Bros. title? Take your time in exploring the colorful nooks and crannies of the game’s world.
After all, our time with the game was so brief; we really could’ve used that playthrough to enjoy Princess Peach’s and Luigi’s (praise his name) floatier jumps. When my staff and I were pleading with you to hold your horses, you pressed on, not giving a single toss about losing us off-screen (Editor’s note: we literally told Mario to slow down). It felt like Luigi, Peach and Toad spent most of their time in bubbles than actually running and jumping (and failing to line up said bubbles with the pipe entrances).
And let’s not forget to share. There’s no reason you need to grab all the mushroom and cat power-ups. Some of us would like that clever feline power too, so we can climb up walls just like you can.
Good luck in what’s left over of the year of Luigi (bless us). A tiny part of me is even glad that the game doesn’t have online co-op, because I’d be tempted to reach in through the screen and try to strangle you somehow. Now, if anyone of our friends or family members tries to pull that **** in local co-op, they’re in for a world of hurt.
Patrick, Maxwell and Karen from Pixelitis
P.S. Some may consider Nov. 22, 2013 the big day where Super Mario 3D World, The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds and the Xbox One are unleashed onto the masses. If you happen to pick up the game at launch, I’d wager that this day should be deemed the day co-op games died. Hope you’re happy.