(Editor’s note: This week’s feature is meant to be silly. If this story does ends up between the sheets, remember that the Pixelitis staff condones safe sex.)
Awwww yeah. The temperature is low, the holiday decorations are up and you’re snuggled next to your main squeeze next to the fireplace. Conditions are perfect for a little happy fun time for the two of you.
All the pieces have been set. The candles have been strategically placed around the room, the rug has been cleaned and you both have a blanket wrapped around you. All you need now is some tunes to take this perfect coital situation to the next level.
That’s where we come in. In the spirit of the season, we’re helping you share a little bit of lovin’ with some primo videogame music that’s sure to get you and your loved one going. Some choices are obvious, others are a little obscure but we guarantee* they will work 90 percent of the time, all the time.
*Pixelitis does not actually guarantee anything.
“Give a Roar” from Dragon Quest VIII is a good track to do the horizontal bop to.
What better way to instill a sense of uncertainty and excitement when making whoopie than with a JRPG battle theme? Now before you think I’m completely off my rocker, the freaking title of this track is “Give a Roar.” It’s totally appropriate!
You’ve got an orchestra backed by several blaring trumpets at the end of every measure to catch you and your partner off guard, and a disco beat that would surely help your rhythmic thrusts.
And when the battle’s over and done, quickly play the chiptuney *brrrrrIIING!* to signify the end of an impressive and sweaty battle.
…You know what, forget I said anything.
- Patrick Kulikowski
“Snake Eater” from Metal Gear Solid 3 is a good track to copulate to.
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater’s theme song is a nice little throwback to the classic James Bond themes. It also has a nice beat and smooth jazzy background instruments that gives it that sweet, loving music feel for when you’re in the wild mood to copulate with your partner.
Put this one on next time and feel like Naked Snake (or James Bond if you prefer) as you sneak your way across the bedroom in the utmost important sneaking mission. Just make sure that you have the right type of face paint and uniform equipped to ensure you have a high camo index rating.
You don’t want to fail your mission halfway through, so make sure you bring the proper equipment as well. Protection is always important when it comes to operation “Snake Eater.”
And whatever you do, make sure you don’t copulate with strangers. After all, you don’t want to get stuck in a crab battle of your own.
- Allain Richard
“Main Theme” from L.A. Noire is a good track to do the mattress jig to.
Being a detective in the city, you see a lot of crazy things. There’s always something to surprise you, from the gutter to the tops of high-rises. Yet as the night rain beats against my window, I’m left sitting here with a bottle of booze and the events of the night before. The night my world – my city – got tossed around like a rowdy barfly that’s had one too many. The night I spent…with her.
There’s something inherently sexy about slow jazz. Something about the lone, mournful trumpet accompanied with a silky rhythm section just oozes mystique. After all, the genre reached a massive amount of popularity when Hollywood took to its 1940s/50s detective films that depicted a time period where men wore suits on a daily basis, women knew how to look classy and everyone drank scotch like it was water.
So when the first few notes of the main theme for Rockstar Games and Team Bondi’s L.A. Noire hit, I’m instantly teleported to a smoky hotel room replete with a California king bed, flickering neon sign just outside the window and a dim light emenating from the accompanying bathroom.
It’s a track that starts off slow and simple, yet builds to a satisfying crescendo followed by trumpet and piano solos. It’s playful at times, yet whispers “I want you” all at the same time.