Pixelitis Picks: The worst politicians in gaming history

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After months of cross-country campaigning and millions of dollars spent, another presidential election cycle came to a close with last night’s re-election of President Barack Obama. American citizens everywhere can all collectively breathe a huge sigh of relief… until January.

Historically, politicians are portrayed in some fascinating ways in videogames. For example, take Metal Wolf Chaos‘ President Michael Wilson blasting out of the White House in a full-blown mech.

Since Democrats and Republicans are going to find something to whine about over the next four years, we decided to take a look at gaming’s truly awful politicians. From a spineless mayor to a former President that eventually destroys a major part of Manhattan, these are guys you definitely would not want to vote for.

It’s easy to imagine both sides of the aisle agreeing that these guys suck.

Worst in-game politician: Mayor B.H. Pirkle ( Earthbound )

“If you encounter a dangerous situation, please don’t ask me to take any responsibility. I’ll be able to avoid any responsibility, right?”

The Mayor of Onett says these ridiculous words to Ness after granting him access to the monster-ridden cave north of town. It becomes quite clear from the NPC chatter at Town Hall that Mayor Pirkle is quite the sleazy politician, preferring to coop up in his office and do nothing for his ailing town.

He’s so self-absorbed that he has Ness do all the hard work (like roughing up the local Sharks gang) and then takes the credit for it in the newspapers. His awful personality makes for a good many comical moments early on in Earthbound, but consider him one of the worst in-game politicians ever.

How the hell did this guy get re-elected at the end of the game?!

- Patrick Kulikowski

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Worst in-game politician: Fmr. Pres. George Sears aka Solidus Snake ( Metal Gear Solid 2)

Liberty. It’s a word that has not only led to the breaking of chains throughout history, but also has made men and women fight and die in war. It’s a word that stands as a pillar to the American psyche.

So when George Sears, a former U.S. President better known to Metal Gear Solid fans as Solidus Snake decides to begin a revolution against the Illuminati-like organization he was once a part of called The Patriots in the name of liberty, it doesn’t sound that bad. He’s just a blue-blooded American with way more than just a physical resemblance to Big Boss.

Yet in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, he and a terrorist organization known as the Sons of Liberty hijack a marine decontamination facility just off the coast of New York City. At the same time, he kidnaps the new president, James Johnson, who had been on the facility to chec – you know what, I’ll spare you the details. It’s a Hideo Kojima story after all. All you need to know is that Solidus Snake was doing it for ulterior motives and ultimately crashes a massive secret underwater Metal Gear named Arsenal Gear into the southern tip of Manhattan, ending up right on the front steps of the Federal Reserve building.

Add in the fact that Sears had orchestrated the events at Shadow Moses during Metal Gear Solid when he was president (and a member of The Patriots), and you’ve got a guy who thinks about his personal grudges than he does about his constituents.

What a dick.

- Andrew Martins

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Worst in-game politician: Mayor Need (Dark Cloud 2)

Flaky, nasally, and cowardly, Need is a walking stereotype of the ineffective and inept politician. A man who can’t even remember the 4-digit combination to his own safe, it seems laughable to think that this man is integral in saving the world of Dark Cloud 2. 

He does show a little backbone when he tries to cover for Max at his own personal risk, and it seems that he still retains his responsibilities as a devoted Mayor to his citizens. Which is why it’s completely  ridiculous to see him simply up and leave his city at the drop of a hat, without a word to his people. Even worse, it’s not in order to fight dragons and monsters. His major contributions are some extra gold in you pocket and some skimpy outfits for the game’s heroine, Monica.

Unintentionally sleazy, and unintentionally useless. No town, not even his own, seems to really need him.

- Tom Farndon

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Author: Pixelitis Staff View all posts by

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