Mario has quite an impractical resume for a plumber. While one would expect trade skills and safety procedure certification to highlight a plumber’s past work experience, Mario has extensive princess saving experience. And professional kart racing skills. Not to mention his more recent stints as an intergalactic astronaut.
In fact, just about every one of his vast array of jobs is much more glamorous than plumbing.
This weekend marks the release of New Super Mario Bros. 2 in North America, and once again Mario will be to putting his impressive Peach rescuing skills to the test. Along the way, it appears he’ll be collecting a million coins. With that much money, Mario might be able to retire comfortably from his plumbing, racing, painting, tennis, basketball, soccer and Olympic careers.
To celebrate his possible retirement, below are our favorite jobs we’ve helped Mario work.
Best Mario Job: Typing Instructor (Mario Teaches Typing)
I think I typed the Gettysburg address more times in the summer of 1996 than anyone has in the history of the United States. Of course I was learning my keyboarding skills on my dad’s PowerBook 500, so I had to wait until ’95 to pick it up. I feel sort of old talking about all of that.
I have to say though, Mario was an excellent instructor. The threat of either typing success or virtual death has a certain pull to it, an influence that surprises me even today. Because in all honesty, I really do have a lot of fondness for this game; the whole experience was a big part of my coming up. And how much of a nerd am I that a typing game was a defining childhood experience for me?
Not only is this sentimental for me though, it’s actually good. The game outlines word-per-minute and typing errors and which finger should type which letter and generally just guides you through every single step. So there’s that. I kinda wanna go type and make Mario jump on Koopas for every letter I get right. Sounds like something I’d enjoy on a Tuesday night.
- Matt Brown
Best Mario Job: Pantomime Performer (Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars)
Although his primary job in Super Mario RPG is to gather the seven stars and sock it to Smithy, Mario also happened to show immense skill in the art of the pantomime.
When not bashing up Smithy’s goons with a hammer, koopa shell or what-have-you, the tight-lipped Mario puts on quite a spectacle when trying to relay important events to the NPCs of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Just look back at his hilarious account of what transpired in the beginning of the game. Mario attempts to rescue Peach from the clutches of Bowser, only to be sent flying out of the castle by way of the over-sized sword demon Exor.
Mario’s able to momentarily transform into both a cackling Bowser and a wailing Peach just to get his point across. Add in an over-the-top moment where he flies 40 feet into the air only to come crashing down with a thud, and you’ve got yourself a fantastic pantomime performer.
- Patrick Kulikowski
Best Mario Job: Super Street Cleaner (Super Mario Sunshine)
When I was a kid, I hated the sight of trash lying around. Mind you, being a 10 year old boy whose room was a health hazard strewn with the deadly edges of Lego blocks, it does seem pretty odd that street trash would upset me. Mostly because the trash made other people sad, whereas I firmly believed there was method to my madness.
So my inner public servant leaped to the surface when I played Super Mario Sunshine for the first time. Not only did I have the ability to do my society good by cleaning the town up, but I got to do it with a sentient, high-pressurized water cannon. What child couldn’t be lured into cleaning up after his messes if he got to pretend his was literally blasting dirt into oblivion via a water jet strong enough to propel you through the air? With a water cannon that can literally tear a hole into another world? No child can resist that kind of power, even if they have to clean things to get it.
When you have abilities that can launch you twenty feet into the air, turn you into a humanized jet ski, or carry you gently from one rooftop to another, it seems that being a street cleaner isn’t as mundane as it might seem. Then again, what is really mundane in the Mario universe?
- Tom Farndon
Best Mario Job: Olympic Champion (Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games)
Did you think that Michael Phelps winning twenty-two Olympic medals was a big deal? Well, its not, since the only reason he won was because Mario was disqualified from the London Olympic Games for questionable use of mushrooms.
Despite the scandal, many supporters still believe that Mario should keep his gold medals in over twenty different events. It really shows how full of themselves some athletes can get. Who cares if you get so many medals in one sport when Mario can compete in all of them?
If this plumber can beat out Sonic the Hedgehog in a 100 meter dash, then who cares if he had a slight boost from a super star? The dude rolls around at the speed of sound, but the chubby guy in overalls managed to steal the win. Besides, the audience doesn’t complain when they get to listen to some snappy NES tunes whenever Mario succeeds.
- Jamie Young
Best Mario Job: Race Car Driver (Mario Kart)
Inspiration comes in many forms. Mine happens to come from a short mustached man with a red hat zipping around in his kart, going for first place. It doesn’t matter if there’s banana peels in the way or shells chasing him down, Mario’s got his eye on that first place trophy. Revving up the kart with Mario is a past time I’m sure we all share, whether we played a Mario Kart title on the N64, SNES, Wii, DS or 3DS.
He’s jumped over huge gaps (the cheating jump in Rainbow Road from the N64 version doesn’t count), thrown his fair share of bananas and shot some shells just to get ahead. He’s my number one race car driver, Formula One be damned. And the road is no laughing matter, what with haunted houses, slippery icy caverns and swinging wooden bridges to boot. Mario’s taken it from Boos, Bob-ombs and fellow racers. These aren’t just races — they’re obstacle courses. It doesn’t seem like a job to outsiders, but it’s hard to weave through Mario Kart traffic. All those bananas. Gotta keep your hand on the brake just to stay on the road sometimes.
Occasionally, going for a drive is helpful to clear the mind. But when Mario takes the wheel, there’s no accounting for the crazy shenanigans the road might bring.
Just have to watch out for those crazy blue spiky shells.