Pixelitis Picks: Dream DLC character for a sports game

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Despite there being no hockey this year, much to the chagrin of our resident Canadian, EA Sports released NHL ’13 anyway. Most of us here at Pixelitis lack any interest in EA’s myriad of sports titles, and it’s safe to say most of the “core” gaming base doesn’t care for them either.

We think there’s an easy way to fix that problem. All EA (or really any sports publisher) needs to do is throw in some exclusive, ridiculous downloadable content of our favorite videogame characters to use in real sports games.

With the simple inclusion of something like that, these sports games would be a homerun (or some other sports-related metaphor) with just about any audience.

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Charles Barkley in the NBA games

Before you go “wait a minute, Charles Barkley has been in the NBA games before!” hear me out. I’m not talking about Charles Barkley like most people know him.

The dream Charles Barkley DLC character I have in mind is the RPG hero in Tales of Games’ Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa. This is no ordinary Barkley–he dual-wields magical basketballs and is the sole performer of the Chaos Dunk–the deadliest basketball move known to man.

Of course, with a b-ball player who has the power to cause the nuclear holocaust with the intensity of his dunk, there comes the issue of being too overpowered. That’s why both teams should have one Barkley, and add a sort of meter that each player will have to build up to in order to even perform the Chaos Dunk. What will follow is a minute-and-a-half cutscene of Barkley completely decimating that hoop along with the entire stadium.

Imagine if this take-no-shit, smack-talking Barkley was a bonus DLC character forNBA 2k13? I’d actually do something completely against my nature and actually purchase a sports game. Heck, I’d buy two.

- Patrick Kulikowski

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The Prince & Katamari in FIFA

He’s got the looks, the obnoxious drama queen demeanor, the bad boy persona… Wait. That’s the King, not the Prince. But really. Who wouldn’t want to roll around on a footie pitch snatching up players who just aren’t even playing proper defense? Hear me out, oh ye of little faith.

Illustration by DeviantArt user Immp

The little green-outfitted prince is far more dexterous and quick to avoid any opponents who wish to take away his ball (well Katamari, but you know). And unlike other players who take advantage of the time, he is far more conscious of what must be done in a short time frame. His skills would make him an excellent midfielder. He could support the forwards and instantly tackle down any opponents coming his direction–by rolling them up of course.

The Prince and his Katamari would be an excellent deterrent against any of your friends who take to the more dramatic endeavors on the field, whether it be slide tackling or avoiding calls on some obvious fouls.

And let’s be real here. His dad The King is already like the exuberant and annoying manager who once had his glory days on the pitch, soaking up the attention. Now he’s looking to make another turn as the manager of a breakout team with a young player in the wings looking up to him, trying to make him happy? He’s like the Diego Maradona of the Cosmos–he’s even got ridiculous bling too!

I think I spend too much time watching soccer. But if I haven’t convinced you, just think. Eventually that Katamari will get so big that even if you are losing, all you have to do is roll up the stadium and everyone could just suck it.

- Karen Rivera

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Pokémon Trainer in an MVP Baseball game

A young man, slouching, with his hand on his hip. He’s glaring at you from under his cap. You tighten your grip on the bat, anticipation manifesting in the sweat running down your face. You see him wind up and release a ball bounding toward you at an incredible speed. Your eyes glint and you swing as hard as you can, and strike the ball with expert precision.

Next thing you see is a bright light, followed by a soft yet clearly audible noise.

“…pika?”

A yellow ball of electricity is now sailing through the air. It’s going, going, gone! But what if we spiced it up a bit and made something completely random happen every time the ball was hit? This is where Pokémon Trainer Red has his chance to shine.The thing about baseball is that while it has many variations in its strategy and execution, there are some points that are just the same. You hit the ball, and then someone tries to catch it. Simple enough.

Imagine throwing the Pokéball and having a Pidgey fly out when it was hit? It would be like an automatic double. Or a Hypno pops out, putting the batter to sleep before he can even start running. Some will benefit the batters, and some will benefit the fielders, but in the end it’s all up to chance, which makes it both more nerve-wracking and exciting.

Last I checked there are 649 Pokemon, so there won’t be any shortage of crazy variations. Imagine a Wailord popping out, flattening the entire field and everyone on it. That may be the only time you’d see a “FATALITY” in a sports game.

And honestly, what batter could stand up to Red’s icy glare and keep his cool? Maybe this guy.

- Tom Farndon

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Author: Pixelitis Staff View all posts by

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