Pixelitis Picks: Awkward videogame movie/director pairings

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Was there ever really a decent videogame-turned-movie? That’s a tricky question.

More often than not, videogame movies are guaranteed to be panned by critics and the public alike. You can thank that due to a film crew’s unwillingness to collectively embrace the essence of what made a franchise so wonderful, or perhaps certain directors were simply miscast.

We’re not here to really suggest some potentially awesome director/videogame franchise pairings, because that seems ridiculously impossible to do within the sphere of Hollywood. If you’re going to come up with a director and game franchise combo, you’re going to need to stay realistic and expect the worst.

Let’s bring it on.

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Odd Director/Game Movie pairing: Baz Luhrmann and Super Mario Bros.

marioandluigisuperstarBaz Luhrmann is known for his over the top love stories and outrageous flair in the design of his atmosphere and characters. Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge! are  both stories of star-crossed lovers overcoming adversity only to end in tragedy despite their best efforts. The fates can be cruel.

You may think that Mario and Peach’s pure romance would be the perfect subject for a Baz Luhrmann film. When I think about it, Bowser’s repeated failed attempts to kidnap Peach and fulfill some sort of unrequited love is even more tragic than the cookie-cutter damsel in distress motif.

Luhrmann could design a movie based on that unrequited love, where Bowser sings songs of his love with a Koopa retinue. The Boo ghosts of past sins could haunt him as he pretends that Peach truly belongs to him. I mean, he convinces his son that Peach is his mother. There is definitely some subtext here that is getting glossed over.

In the end it would turn out that Peach may have feelings for our poor, pathetic King of the Koopas. However, just as Bowser is on the verge of confessing his true feelings, Mario “saves the day” and drowns Bowser in a sea of lava, leaving his words of love unspoken.

Actually, this sounds kind of interesting. As soon as he’s done with The Great Gatsby, this should be Luhrmann’s next project.

- Tom Farndon

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Odd Director/Game Movie pairing: Michael Bay and  Katamari Damacy

katamariexplosionsMichael Bay is an all-out ‘merican director that is obsessed with creating fast-paced action flicks that are full of explosions, extreme CGI and booming audio.

Katamari Damacy on the other hand is presented in a very cutesy, cartoony Japanese style. But when you stop and think about what you do in the game (rolling up objects, animals and people and turn them into stars) you realize that the Katamari is a threat and that “The Prince” and “The King of All Cosmos” must be stopped.

Queue in a dramatic entry for a special “Anti-Katamari” team that is set on defending its town from the (literally) growing Katamari menace. Experience drama and emotional moments as friends get rolled over and turned into planets. Watch as the team sets up explosive traps that sound cool while eluding the threat of the Prince and his cousins.

From the rise of the big threat to the intervention of the army, the Katamari Damacy film would very much play out like a classic Godzilla film, except with gigatons more explosions and Shia Labeouf.

…Yeah, I don’t think this would work.

- Allain Richard

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Odd Director/Game Movie pairing: Paul W.S. Anderson and  Resident Evil

Imagine if the director behind the first somewhat decent Mortal Kombat movie got ahold of Resident Evil? I’d think that would raise a big red flag among Resident Evil fans.

One of the main things from the Mortalresidentevilpocalypse Kombat movie that seemed incredibly off was its lack of blood — even though it’s based on a game that caused the formation of the ESRB.

I’m sure Anderson would likewise do something to bungle up Resident Evil. I’d think that certain aspects like Umbrella conspiracy, the T-Virus outbreak, and flesh-eating zombies would be in, but any suggestions of improving upon the story or giving the characters of the series an extra bit of a depth would fall on deaf ears. In essence, it’d be more nonsensical and convoluted than Resident Evil 6′s plot.

To top it all off: stick his super-attractive wife Milla Jovovich in to serve as the smokin’ lead star who makes every Resident Evil character we’ve grown to love seem a million times inferior to her absurdly over-the-top and overpowered antics. That, and make the protagonist crash through a church’s stain-glassed window. ‘Cause it’s cool.

Oh, wait. All of that actually happened. Mea culpa.

- Patrick Kulikowski

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